Rudy Giuliani's New Makeover

Rudy has decided that he needs a brand new image if he's going to have any chance of ever sliding in between the sheets that Laura Bush now graces.

He's realized finally that his old image just isn't reeling in the suckers the way it used to.

According to CNN's Political Ticker, Rudy's retained the image consulting team extraordinaire of Heath Thompson and his Dallas-based firm, Scott Howell & Company:

Thompson, as director of President Bush's 2000 campaign in South Carolina, helped [Rudy's buddy George W.] Bush to an 11-point victory in that state.

Last year, a commercial made by Thompson's firm for Tennessee's U.S. Senate race was criticized for what the NAACP and others said were racial overtones.

Run by the Republican National Committee against Democrat Harold Ford, who is black, the ad showed a white woman saying she had met Ford at a Playboy-sponsored party. As the ad ended, the woman, her shoulders bared, whispered into the camera, "Harold, call me."

The NAACP said the commercial played to prejudices about black men and white women, and Republican Bob Corker, who won the Senate seat, called the ad tacky. The RNC denied any racial subtext but asked TV stations to stop running the commercial.

But Rudy. Baby. Listen to me carefully.

You know as well as I do Rudy, that Scott Howell & Co. is going to sucker you Rudy. And charge you an arm and a leg for this.

Now I know it won't be your arm and leg Rudy, and that as usual you'll sucker some peasants into paying for you with their arms and legs, but look, Rudy. No one has to get hurt here, Rudy.

Dump Heath Thompson, Rudy. I'll do the job for you for a tenth the price.

In fact, I've already done the work, Rudy. Just wire me ten grand and we'll call it even. Such a deal. Here you go, Rudy:

The old Rudy (barf, yeccch!):


And... (insert drum roll) The new Rudy!! (Wow! Heart be still!):


"Rudy...baby. Call me."